Earnestly seeking God
The God of my understanding!
A friend asked me to talk on the question of how I came to believe in the God of my understanding and what my relationship looks like today? That’s a question that is filled with a lot of memories and challenges faced along the way, along this journey of discovering and having a relationship with God.
For me, I have to go back to my early days and my time in church. My father was a minister of music in the Baptist church, and so we saw the inside of the church on a regular basis. I heard about God at home and in the church. We prayed to God, we sang songs to God, and in some ways we worshiped God. But, God was somebody I didn’t really know! I only knew what others told me about God, and that’s how it was!
So, around 8 or 9 years of age, I decided to accept this God I’d been told about and I got baptized. When I did those things, I was saved! I’m not sure what I was saved from, but I think it was supposed to be hell: this place of fire and brimstone, burning all the time; a place that I sure didn’t want to end up in, because you’d be there for eternity!
Given that understanding, I started trying to live the right life! There was this list of do’s and don’ts that we needed to follow; and somehow, if we followed the do’s and not the don’ts, we would then be good enough to avoid hell and make our way to heaven. Grace, mercy, and forgiveness were not words I associated with God, at this time in my life!
God, as I understood him was a checklist God and I was trying for the good marks and not the bad ones!
Then came my teen years, high school, and then I found alcohol too! I began to rebel against those same do’s and don’ts - leaning far away from the do’s and focused much more on the don’ts! That’s when I started to experience consequences and maybe a little ‘hell on earth!’
This is when a new God came to roost on my directors chair - me! The God of my understanding was me, a guy named David, the God of my childhood was nowhere to be found!
This god David started making all the decisions in my life; and then, I had to start facing the consequences of the decisions I’d made! Most often, I would blame people, places or things for the decisions I’d made; because it always seemed to be somebody else’s fault! I couldn’t see what I was doing to myself, so I kept on doing it hoping things would be different. But they weren’t - I think we call that insanity.
Then you move forward a few years, about 28 or so, and I find myself sitting in a chair at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting! The wreckage of my insane decision making had finally caught up with me! Life by Dave no longer worked and something different had to happen! In the land of AA, I had to find a God of my understanding and it couldn’t be me!
So, I got a sponsor and began down the path of working the steps. Before we started, the very first thing my sponsor wanted to hear was my story up to this point in my life - as best I could describe it.
So, when I told him my story he asked me one simple question: “how’s life by Dave been working for you?” Upon a brief reflection, about a second, I said “not worth a dam!” Then he asked, “do you think there might be a better way?” I said, “I hope so!” He said, “there is!” And then the real journey of recovery began!
When we got to the discussion about finding a God of my understanding, I knew that it couldn’t be me; but, I didn’t really like the God of my childhood or church and was unclear about what to do. My sponsor made a suggestion, he said “why don’t you let go of the God of your Sunday School teacher, your pastor and your parents and find God for yourself?”
No one had ever said that to me! What a novel idea - find God for yourself! I couldn’t believe how simple and inviting that sounded!
Yes, I could do that! I was willing to go on the journey to find God, and it couldn’t be me. It had to be a power greater than me; a power to turn my will and my life over to; a power that I could trust in good times or bad; a power that could do for me what I could not do for myself; that’s what lasting recovery required!
In the beginning, this Power, this God (for me) was more human and not supernatural; this God and Power had to be something I could see and touch, something that was real and could talk to me in the moments of life I was living!
So, I let God be the Good Orderly Direction found in AA’s Big Book, and I let God sort of be my sponsor; even though he would never see himself in that way. But my sponsor knew God in a way that I did not, and the Big Book gave me a path to follow. So, I took the steps and started to seek after this God I so wanted to know!
I love this line from the AA Big Book, found on page 46:
“We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.”
My goal was to earnestly seek, and that’s what I did!
So, fast forward a few years into recovery and my efforts too ‘earnestly seek’ after God. What I have found along the way has changed who I am and how I live in the world. I love the challenge the Big Book offers on page 53, when it states:
“We had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?”
I have found that God is everything, in all situations, good times or bad, happy or sad - God is the solution! I have come to know the God of my understanding as a God of Love. This loving God loves me regardless, and calls me into a loving relationship with Him. I have found this loving God to be trustworthy; regardless of my ability to trust!
However, I have also found that this loving God is not willing to fight for the throne of my life, but is only willing to be the Lord of my life as I am willing to relinquish the throne and let Him be Lord!
Every day, every moment, I am challenged to turn my will and my life over to God’s care! When I can let go of my ego, and become willing, I then allow a loving God to guide me into the right way to live and be in the world around me. In those moments, God works, God leads, and I follow.
Those moments are precious and difficult to maintain, because I am always challenged to take back the throne and be my own god once again!
As the AA Big Book states on page 85:
“It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.”
Today, I seek to be in a right relationship with a loving God. I seek to stay close to a loving God and when I do, a loving God continues to be close to me. This loving God continues to work in my life in ways that change me, as I am willing and open to being changed.
However, I can still take control of things, and when I do a loving God steps aside and says, “have it your own way!” In those moments, I get to deal with the consequences of life by Dave; and suddenly, I realize I am not where I want to be! In those moments, I’ve learned to let go of my ego, I’ve learned to seek God’s forgiveness, and I’ve learned that a loving and merciful God is always there, ready to try again. In those moments, life is pretty incredible - learning happens and lives are changed, including mine!
Trust God no matter what! That’s sort of become my mantra for today! The God I have come to understand is trustworthy in all situations, and in all circumstances - no matter what! That is the God I have come to know and will continue to trust along the way! As the AA Big Book states:
“We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek Him. To us, the Realm of Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive; never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.”
Amen, and amen! Earnestly seek after God and see what happens! It’s worth it in the end!